Thursday, May 26, 2011

Guest Post: Nikki from My Cyber House Rules

Holy. Crap. I finished the guest blog, and it's only Thursday. And I put in plenty of pictures, so all you people that were pissed off at me for the last post can love me and give me web traffic and cyber hugs again.

SO! This month's guest blog is from Nikki at My Cyber House Rules (and you might know her as Marr Bulls from Be the Doll...). She sent me this guest post like fifty nine years ago and I promptly pushed her out for Justin's guest post and then had a mental breakdown and didn't do shit on it. So now, finally, it is finished. I'm sorry it took a fucking eon, Nikki. I hope you like it. And I hope all you cupcakes like it too. You can find her original blog at My Homies Wear Depends and Smell Like Mothballs.

Next up on guest blogs: Mike "Awesome Guy McGee". I don't know if he wants me to put his last name out there on the interwebz and I don't know if he has a webpage. If he does I'll get it from him and you can see him for yourself. And..... scene.

Living at a marina is totally like living in a retirement home. All the homies are like... well - old. Older than I am anyways.

I take my daily shower at the pool since showering in the boat is a pain in the old buttocks (maybe I am older than I want to admit, yeah, sure...). Yesterday as I was skipping my way to the showers, I came to a slow crawl as some lady got to the door before me. So I had to slowly very slowly follow her in. She stopped when she sensed me "you are being followed" I chanted behind her. With a smile. But the smile was wasted on her behind.

She finally makes her way to the shower corridor. Finally. I'm dying behind her! And she opens the first stall and stands behind it.

Okaaaaay... I start putting my stuff on the counter. And slowly wonder what it could possibly mean if she opens the door and stands behind it. Is she "reserving" that stall for herself? Am I supposed to walk around the door to one of the next stalls?

I'm new here, and I've never seen anything like this before! So, I do what any uncertain person would do: "Are using the first stall?" She shutters, or stutters, or whatever it was. "No I just want privacy!" Okaaaaaaay... I take my clothes off, pile it up on the counter because the bench is now off limits being blocked by the door to the 1st stall. I hang up my towel by my door and enter the shower. Close the door. Wonder if it's ok to close it since now she is exposed to whatever it was she wanted privacy from.


I'm in my shower taking my sweet ass time because that's what I do. I love long hot showers. It dawns on me that I still haven't heard my neighbor start her shower yet. But... whatever. Then IT happens: her hand is clutching my door. (Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm freaked out, what do I do???)

I stand frozen not knowing what the hell is happening. The shower door is one of those glazed over glass doors. Maybe it's Plexiglas, not important. What IS important is what she does next. She is still fully clothed and she is doing squats. Using my door for balance.

What the fuck? Where am I again?

Now I start taking even more time. Rinse. Apply again. Rinse. Condition. Leave in hair for 3-5 minutes. Pull out my cute little soap fuzzer thing (you should see it, it's a rubber ducky with a swim mask tied to a pooffer, I love it!) and pour some yummy smelling pink bubble gum soap on it (I know, this detail is not needed to the story, but if you ever do find some bubble gum smelling soap let me know, I want more of it and mine was a hotel sample).

By the time I am finally done she is still clutching and squatting. Up - down - up - down with her banana yellow t-shirt. What am I supposed to do? Yell out "watch your fingers" and slam the door open as I jump out and stand naked in front of her clamoring how privacy is so important to me too?

Really! WHAT is the public shower etiquette for old lady hanging on to your shower door as she does her morning exercises? Oh where is Martha Stewart when I need her? I slowly open the door, grab my towel and wrap it around me. (Sorry, no drawing for you... maybe next time *editor's note: here ya go:

I take all my stuff out of the shower, and close the door. She huffs. Looks at me like I'm a total moron and a very rude one at that. And opens the door again. "My privacy! Remember?" And huffs again.

Not sure about the etiquette, but giggling in these situations? Totally unavoidable. Totally. Sorry Martha, you'd be astounded by my rudeness after you were done laughing at her too! Oh, and let me tell you I took even more time after that! By now this is fun as she is OBVIOUSLY waiting for me to leave before she unveils her spectacular self. Privacy-shmivacy! You know how long it takes to puff-daddy comb my hair? As I stand there with nothing but my towel and my day dreams? FOR-EV-FUCKIN-VER!

Now she is standing behind her glazed over glass or plexiglas door waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As I crawl around. Heh heh heh. See? I can be totally devilish... I never did find out though if she took her shower or not. I got bored and left while totally repeating over and over in my head: " I will so blog about this tomorrow."

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Random Shiznit

So every once in a while the fact that I'm totally out of ideas for stupid pictures and stories creeps up to bite me in the ass along with the fact that I want to write about stuff that doesn't necessarily include stupid pictures and stories. Every time I post one of these I'm always like, "OH NOES if I don't post pictures I'm going to lose followers!"

So here's a stupid picture to start:

Okay, now that I've got your attention and love back, I have a few things to say:

1.) HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW BLOG HEADER? My BNF (Best Neighbor Forever) from another state, Goofy Girl from There Is Grandeur in This View of Life, made it for me. I was all, "I fucking suck and have no ideas even though I'm supposed to do this for a living." And BAM, she sends me a new header. <3

2.) I have a guest post over here at I AM BMAC. Bryant says I'm a fruit fly! Woot! He also lies and says my blog is "wildly popular"(<~~ hahahaha) so that's fun. Also there is a picture of me (a REAL picture) over there so if you want to see a picture that I didn't take in a bathroom mirror, there you go. Now go read Bryant's blog!

3.) I got ANOTHER blog award. I know, right, what the fuck is wrong with people?? I received the Versatile Blogger Award from Peevie Juice. Peevie Juice is such a weird name, right? Sounds kind of perverted. But it's actually not, he says it's a Scottish term for "drunk", so his name is Drunk on Juice. My kind of guy. Plus he's weird. So we are instant friends. Since I've gotten this before and I'm afraid to scare ya'll off with more text and no pictures I'm just going to pimp him out and thank him (THANKS PEEVIE JUICE) and not repost it.
EDIT: So I'm a huge asshole and forgot that Ashley at Perpetually Me gave me this award back on May 15th. I'm going to blame the drugs I'm on (prescribed of course). But it's still no excuse for forgetting because Ashley is an awesome blogger and super sweet. Sorry Ashley, please forgive me!

WAIT DON'T LEAVE, I have another picture!!

4.) Keith has a blog too (The Keith Miles) and draws super cute pictures too. He told me on Saturday that he was waiting for me to comment on his pictures and I didn't and he was sad and it broke my heart. So I drew myself as a dinosaur for Keith. Go visit Keith and love him! Seriously, or I'll cutcha.

That's all for now. I swear to fuck I'm drawing a guest post that I got like four years ago and I'll hopefully have it done by Friday. Until then, find me on Twitter, cause I can do that from my phone (read: it's easy so I do it more often).

Saturday, May 21, 2011

It's Okay, I'm Methodist

Eternal HELLFIRE!!

I was baptised, confirmed and raised Methodist.  I went to church and bible camp, and youth group.  Because I had to.  It was required by my parents that we be rudely awakened at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to go to youth group at church.  8AM service.  As a teenager, it was nearly impossible to actually be awake at 8AM, let alone be an active participant in anything.  One particular Sunday, I recall a conversation that occurred in youth group about forgiveness.

First of all, being Methodist was easy peazey lemon squeezy.  Lent? Yeah, you should probably give up something.  There’s no kneeling during service, so you can sleep sitting up during the entire droning service.  Shoot, sometimes we didn’t even SING.  And, best of all, we will be forgiven and absolved of ALL sins at the gates of heaven by Almighty God.

We were speaking about forgiveness in youth group.  Todd and I were snapping each other on the arms with rubber bands.  Mike looked completely stoned from a hard night.  Ann Marie was playing with her hair.  We half listened to our youth pastor as he explained to us that God would forgive us of all our sins, and we must try our best to live by the word of the good book.  Of course I had questions....

“So if I poke my sister in the eye, I’ll be forgiven?”

“No, you shouldn’t poke your sister in the eye, that’s just bad!”

“But if I do, I’ll be forgiven, right?”

“I don’t think you understand how this works...”

“Pastor, you JUST SAID I will be forgiven of ALL my sins by God upon entering the gates of Heaven.  Is God gonna get all picky about which things I’ve done?”

“No, I don’t think so. But when you stand in judgement before God...”

“So he’s gonna get all judgemental on me?!?  What about ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged.’  Kinda hypocritical, isn’t it?”

“Son, only God can pass judgement on any of his children.  He will judge you more harshly if you do bad things.”

“But I’m STILL gonna be forgiven, so I’m feeling pretty good about my choices right about now.”

I wink across the room at Ann Marie- she smiles that little crooked grin right back at me.  Todd is cringing while poking me in the ribs because he thinks Pastor is gonna hit me with a candlestick at this point.  Which, according to him, he’ll be forgiven for.

(heavy sigh) “Son, I don’t know where you came up with this idea, but you’re just flat wrong.”

“Yeah, but I’ll be having fun.  Which apparently isn’t wrong, because I’ll be forgiven for it.”

Ann Marie laughs out loud, followed by a little snort.  She’s been holding it in too long.  Todd leans backward on the rear legs of his chair and falls right on his ass.  Now everyone is laughing.  I stand up and give Todd a hand up.  “Todd, I forgive you for disrupting youth group.”

The Pastor sighs, storms out of the room and right out the side hallway door and lights up a cigarette.

Later that spring I got to second base with Ann Marie at a youth group sleep over.  Ann Marie?  she was the pastor’s daughter.

I’ll see you all soon. In the mean time, I’ll be surfing a wave of fire, listening to the Rolling Stones.  I also have a seat saved at my table for you.  In Hell.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


So, the big thing that happens to you when you spend the good portion of a year either laid up or recovering is, you become a huge gelatinous mass.  Yep, muscle atrophy, unsightly weight gain, and absolutely no stamina.  It doesn’t help that my current job requires much less physical labor than my last.  I used to climb ladders, carry heavy stuff, load heavy stuff into big trucks, and hang off of ladders and scissor lifts while installing the big heavy stuff we loaded into the trucks.

I used to be very active by day.  Now.... Not so much.  Is it a big surprise that I’ve put on weight?  No.  But I did have some help from my Year Of Unfortunate Events.

Let’s throw osteoarthritis into the mix.  I was diagnosed nearly a decade ago.  It’s so much fun, too!  Lemme see if I can describe how that makes you feel..... If you’ve had that all over body ache associated with a really nasty case of the flu, then you’re right on par with what many people suffer through EVERY DAY.  ALL DAY.  It’s like your joints are in slow motion, like they’re very stiff ALL THE TIME.  Sitting, lying down, standing, the pain is always there to varying degrees.  Now if you listen to what your body is telling you, you have a hard time justifying exercising your poor joints, as you KNOW it will be even MORE painful when your through.  (this is not always the case, but it is a very REAL thought that passes through your mind.)  I played soccer all through my youth.  Running is something I truly miss.  Try hitting your knee with a mallet every time your foot comes down on the pavement as you run.  That’s kinda what my knees feel like in a full on sprint.  There is definitely evidence of bone on bone in my knee.  The x-rays showed it.

Now I’ve had every blood test known to man done over the last year.  My last battery of tests showed my doctor some very unusual stuff, in my opinion.....  My sodium level is low.  My heart is very strong, and I run an athlete’s heartbeat. (slightly lower than normal, but not dangerously so)  Yes, my cholesterol needs some work, but I’m not going to die in ten seconds.  My kidney and liver functions are perfectly normal.  Figure that one out.  I worked in the music industry for 20 years, and my liver and kidneys are fine?  Wha??  Okay, I’ll take it.  See?  Kind of a bizarre life I’ve lived, I don’t know how I made it through those years and am still ALIVE, let alone fairly healthy.  Weird.

I got back into a work out regimen on Monday.  A very short exercise session of stretches and some squats.  Walking was a problem after the leg injury, so if I can get back to walking well, then I can do much more activities.  Standing up for an hour at a club watching a live band?  Forget about it.  Tuesday I woke up feeling like I just finished a marathon.  Aches and pains everywhere.  But now, the message is, “Dude, don’t be a wuss, get back after it.  YOU CAN DO IT!”  Since I’ve been cleared by my doctors to do whatever I want, I’m gonna get after this fatigue issue pronto.  It’s just gotta go away.

Oh, and thank you Holy Mama.  I appreciate your kind words.  Many people I know could benefit from having people in their corner like you.  Thank you.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Sony Xperia Play

A Android phone? Is this a PSP Go? Is it going to be more successful than previous attempts to blur the line between games handheld and smartphone? Who cares, it's great! It is Sony Xperia Play, and pre-orders for Verizon Wireless begin on 19 and 26 in stores!

Sony's marketing machine behind this is confusing at best. Rather than call a PSP phone, which will undoubtedly raise the name of the fan running in the store to buy Sony, Xperia will be stamped on the play, also signed an extraordinarily successful line of Android phones, Sony said. At the top of their ads that are repeatedly mentioned Sony games on the phone, which is trying to demonize the iPhone, so you would think it would be useful to ensure that the phone is in possession of the sign PSP, right?

Whatever your opinion on their marketing, the phone comes with games, teddy bears, including Madden NFL 11, Bruce Lee Dragon Warrior Asphalt 6: adrenaline, The Sims 3, Star Battalion, Crash Bandicoot, and Tetris. In addition, there will be 50 games available through V CAST APPS store, and titles on the way through the Sony store PlayStstion.

For daily telephone interaction, "Facing the camera Android 2.3-powered smartphone front VGA camera and 5MP behind putting it together with most mid-range smartphone. The 1500mAh battery is not trustworthy, you can Crash Bandicoot play all day, but on the other hand Android 2.3 has a smart battery sipping code inside, then who knows.

More TECH news in

Friday, May 13, 2011

Flashback 3

*This post was lost in the Blogger server crash... Along with any comments... Meh.

I’m having surgery.  Again.  Had my knee worked on after the accident to remove asphalt and road debris, now a hernia operation.  I think I’d like a do-over for the last 12 months, if I can get one... ANYONE??  Come on, throw me a bone here.

When you have umbillical hernia surgery, they open you up at your belly button, and also do a couple of other incisions to stick hoses in your abdomen under the muscle tissue.  One is to actually INFLATE you with CO2, so they can get the little nylon mesh between your organs and your muscle structure.  It prevents the hernia from pushing back through the muscle structure.  (That’s what was preventing my vertical muscles from engaging properly.)  They inflate you to the size of a mini cooper, then stick in a cover from a McDonalds breakfast meal, or something.  I begged them to use helium, because I thought it would be awesome to float out of the recovery room to the car.  The nurse could just hold my hand and guide me through the automatic doors.  No need for a wheel chair!

You are on your back for a solid week.  Yes, after a few days you can get up and move around, albeit gently, but the first couple of days I just slept.  This surgery disrupts your entire abdominal area.  This was a much different kind of pain than my knee injury.  It was an all over pain.  It seemed that my entire torso ached.

Went back to work ten days after surgery.  That’s the longest consecutive period I’ve missed work in my life, I think, including vacations.  At about the two week mark, my belly button started to get a little enflamed.  It got worse for a couple of days, so I called the Doc to schedule an appointment.  We played phone tag for 3 days.  By now, my belly has a pie pan sized red area, and is so sensitive to the touch that when my shirt rubs against it, it’s painful.

My doctor sends me for a CAT scan, and asks me to stay until the results are in.  He admits me immediately.  I’ve got an infection that requires IV antibiotics.  Apparently, if I had delayed another day or two, they would have been admitting me into ICU.  Thanks for the phone tag, Doctor’s office!  I remain in the hospital over the weekend.  My first full weekend off in over 3 months, and the first sunshiney weekend we’ve had so far this year.  SUPER.  Yeah, I’ll just make my motorcycle a museum piece, I don’t really want to ride it or anything.  My Doctor releases me and hands off some antibiotics pills for one more week of meds.  I will finish them off today.

Next will be the fallout that occurred while I spent a good portion of the last year recovering from various incidents.

Funny thing..... I’m not complaining about this crap.  Sure, it’s been a tough year, but I’m still here.  That little phrase has become somewhat significant to me over the last few years.  


Flashback 2.5 (server crash special edition!)

*Since the Blogger servers went south for a couple of days, I thought I'd stick this one in, as it's now in order of occurrence.*

(self)Hey dumbass, you forgot a huge portion of your story, shit for brains.

What are you talking about, self?

(self)The STAIRS.  How did you forget about the stair incident?!?

Ohhhh, shit, I DID forget a huge chunk, didn’t I?

(self)You are such a dumbass.  You’re brain is fried, isn’t it?

Um, that means YOU’RE fried, genius.

(self)No way, dude, I’m on top of my game, I REMEMBERED the story.  You didn’t.

Whatever, dude...

Yeah, so in October, I was leaving a friend’s place.  She lives on the second floor of this house, and her steps are like fire escape steps.  Metal everything, all outside the building.  I always thought they seemed a little steeper than a normal set of steps.

We had been out on a weekend evening, and I was leaving her place to head home for the night.  I turned to say goodbye about 6 steps down the stairs.  As I turned back, I reached for the handrail.  I’m still nursing a small limp with my right leg from the bike accident, and my right boot heel caught on the tread of the step.  It’s dark, and I just plain missed the rail with my left hand.  If you miss a handrail in the dark, as your dropping down to the next step, you just might lose your balance.  I certainly did, and caught the metal handrail under my left arm on my ribs.  Down I went, and HARD.   Little bit of a scrape on my left knee, knocked the back of my head pretty good, too.  But my ribs were KILLING ME.  It was a biting pain as I breathed.  Yep, you guessed it, broke a couple of ribs.  Limp, sore knee, lump nn the head, broken ribs.  What the hell.

If you’ve had a broken rib before, you know that there is no way to cast them.  You can wrap them with ACE bandage, and try to bind them, and keep them from moving around.  Reaching the top shelf in the kitchen?  Don’t even try it.  Pushing yourself up from your desk chair?  One arm only for a couple of months. Ribs heal very slowly, as they are constantly moving.  That whole breathing thing keeps them flexible.  Second time in my life I’ve broken ribs.  Never a fun time.

So more time spent trying to just sit still and not be in pain.  Note: Do NOT try and sleep on your side.  Bad idea.

Motorcycle accident, falling down the fire escape, hernia surgery.  I would like a do over for last year.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Flashback 2

The harsh reality of the motorcycle accident set in a few days after the fact.  I remembered that I saw the driver do a ‘fake’ left turn, and that I had slowed down because he looked like he was turning. I was first in a line of traffic on this two lane road.  He balked, stopped, and I twisted downward on the throttle, because he clearly saw me.  Just as I pulled down, he pulled out!  I hit him with throttle wide open, barely attacking my brake handle, clutch handle, and right foot crushing the rear brake pedal. Hit him behind the rear wheel, just before the bumper, and the bike went sideways, my left side facing oncoming traffic, and my right side taking full impact with the pavement.

I’m laying in bed at home as this all appears in my  mind.  Full leg immobilzing brace.  My knee literally the size of a cantalope.  Pain meds help some, but not enough.  My right arm lost skin down to the dermal level near my elbow.  It’s wrapped up fully from wrist to shoulder.  Not exactly how I had envisioned my Summer Of Freedom.

Doc says I will be in physical therapy after my wounds heal for 9 weeks.  Three times a week for 3 full months.  Super awesome!!  No physical activity for about 4 total months.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.... Think of all the things you can’t do when you can’t stand, kneel, or drive. For 4 months. (Barreness, for some reason YOU came to mind when I wrote that.  ;-)  ) Yeah, so not a lot you can do during those warm summer nights.... Maybe sit at the local cantina and enjoy a cold drink, but hobbling back to the car just seems so... Humiliating in a way.

During my physical therapy, my wonderfully cool therapist observes that my stomach muscles aren’t working in their proper manner.  It doesn’t appear to be from my accident, as I didn’t suffer any abdominal injuries.  She suspects that I may have suffered a hernia, and I should see my regular doctor about it.  Annnnnnd, she was right.  Umbilical hernia it is!  What the eff??

I wasn’t able to get to my Doctor for two months.  His work schedule (he’s a sports med doctor, and works for a team) and mine prevented me from being seen right away.  Doc says it’s an old injury, and he’s surprised that I didn’t notice it earlier.  Well, I’m a guy, we don’t all stand in front of the mirror admiring ourselves and showin’ off the gun show and loving the washboard every morning. So no heavy lifting until we can get you in for surgery.

Two months after THAT, I get my surgery.  So that gets all you little freaks just about up to date.... The next post will take you through the wonderful world of internal medicine, and what I’ve learned about surgery over the last 3 months.  Stay tuned.

Hey, YOU wondered where I’ve been, you’re finding out, so lay off.  At least I wrote something....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Letting The Paint Dry

I’m trying to make sense of the different words swirling around in my Percocet fog... That’s what the doctors gave me for my pain.  There are some old stories that need to be written, in order to bring clarity to the newer works.  I believe I’ve found my voice again, and am hoping it sticks around for a while this time.  Writing has become a challenge over the last few months.  This week is no exception.  I’m buried in work; hardships both personal and family related, but I will try.... I will try to eek out a couple of pieces to get things back on track.