I'm the Best Girlfriend Evar

Justin is always telling me what an awesome girlfriend I am, and asking me how it's possible that I became so amazing and awesome. It wasn't easy, let me tell you. But after he asked me enough I thought that I should probably put together a blog post so that other women may follow in my footsteps in an attempt to be amazingly awesome as well. It's worked really well for me so far, so it must be good, right?

1.) Make sure you have some kind of alcohol in your system at all times.

1a.) For those nights that you have a LOT of alcohol in your system (which should be most nights), make sure you either a.) break down and cry about something REALLY stupid, b.) get angry and start a fight over something REALLY stupid, or c.) get so inebriated that your boyfriend has to get you off the kitchen floor to go to bed. Having to take care of you makes him feel super manly and protective.

2.)Insist on going out to eat almost every night of the week and then complain about how fat you are. Men love getting the opportunity to reaffirm you and build your confidence up. You should complain about your body once every hour or so; more if you're eating.

3.) Belch, pretty much nonstop. Make sure to do so in the middle of a conversation, while watching a scary movie, or while talking with his grandmother on the phone. He will appreciate your willingness to be gassy in front of him cause it shows you're being 'real'.

4.) Do not cook anything. Ever, ever, ever. If you do slip up and cook dinner one night make sure that it tastes terrible. Your boyfriend be endeared to you because you are such a dumbass in the kitchen. That's super cute.

That is a real pancake I tried to make last year. The dog won't even eat it. 

5.) If he's a computer geek like my boyfriend, force him to download such artists as Avril Lavigne, Lady Gaga, and Miley Cyrus. Then sing to them LOUDLY while you are driving somewhere together. He loves to hear your singing voice and will probably fall more in love with you.

6.)  Speaking of driving, make him drive everywhere. He'll feel much more manly when he's chauffeuring driving you around town. Don't give him any gas money either, he'll feel like you're emasculating him.

7.) Instead of letting him play video games at night, insist on watching a romantic movie, or perhaps a movie from your childhood. I just bought The Last Unicorn on Blueray but I think I'll wait until the next time he wants to play Call of Duty to spring it on him. He'll love your spontaneity and girly soft side, even if he pretends not to.

8.) Shower two or three times a week at best. Your man loves your 'natural smell'. After two or three days you'll have natural smell in SPADES! Bonus points if you go for a week at a time.

9.) Bring home a 118lb dog with a brain the size of a walnut and all the commen sense that implies. Do a poor job of training him as a puppy and let your boyfriend handle him when you're out in public so that if your dog acts like an asshole the boyfriend can take the blame for it. Of course he'd never want you to look bad so this is totally cool with him.

Obviously the pick of the litter. 

10.) Don't shave your legs from September to April. Let those gams grow some hair. This will make your boyfriend feel manly and primal when he sees your silky leg fur blowing gently in the breeze. If your legs do not resemble small pine trees you are doing something wrong.

Good luck ladies! Please, if you follow this guide, send me your pictures / success stories! A system has to be proven to be accepted!

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Flashback 1

In order to get you up to date, I need to go backward a bit. A flashback, of sorts. So, to shed some light on this .endtransmission. character that a few of you have come to enjoy, allow me some latitude to put this together in a way I feel will be right and true. Truth, for a change.

What follows is a true story. (Linda, I've added a bit here for the minions so they can understand all of it.) It was first written last year to my dear childhood friend Linda. (She visits here and is an amazing writer, as well as a lovely human being both inside and out. I cherish her friendship. So here goes.....

I got divorced in June of 2010. Bad idea to get married in the first place, but 3 wonderful teenagers needed a good role model, so I felt I could be 'that guy'. It's not necessary to go into this further, it's old history, and factors not into this story. So 2010 was my "Summer Of Freedom". You know the stuff, free living, wanton lusting after girls who's name you forget the next hour, walking around your place in your underwear because YOU CAN, eating fast food for every meal, and most importantly, riding my vintage motorcycle that I rebuilt with my own two hands ANYWHERE I WANT.



While riding to work one Thursday morning, a young man who felt he needed to text his fiance' while turning left in front of me changed my summer plans..... I broadsided him doing 45 mph. The bike went down on the right side, and as it went down, I realized I didn't need to hold onto it anymore. My black beauty went skidding off like a rocket, and somehow I remembered that I needed to relax my muscles, and rolled like a rag doll. 20 or so yards later, I came to rest in the oncoming travel lane. I rolled off into the grass, pulled off my full face helmet, (thank God I'm not an idiot) and cussed like a sailor who'd just shot himself in the foot with a flare gun. I lifted my head to see my vintage ride lying on it's right side, steam and dust rising from her engine, spilling fuel. She was some 30 yards down the road from me.

My right arm was bleeding from wrist to nearly my shoulder. I couldn't really feel my right knee or foot. I bent my ankle and figured it was still attached, and then as I rolled onto my back I found that my right knee would move enough that most of it wasn't still lying on the blacktop somewhere. My hands hurt, too, but thankfully leather gloves did their job. They were shredded enough that I could see skin through the double insulated palms. Somehow, I never lost consciousness.

"You just had an accident.", a voice said from behind my head. I looked up to see a woman in purple nursing scrubs looking down on me. Knowing that I never lost consciousness, I was puzzled as to why there was a nurse looking over me in the moist freshly cut grass. She went on to say, "I almost stopped you yesterday for riding too fast through traffic." Um, not for nothing Nursie, but if I was passing YOU, I doubt you were stopping me. By the way, I was probably trying to GET AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR BAD DRIVING.  I looked up at her, from my bloody resting place in the roads' shoulder, and said, "You can go now".

The medics arrived minutes after my accident. They were nice, professional, and attentive. They also understood that I was in a rather jovial mood, because I was still alive. We joked all the way to the ER. They made me feel comfortable and calm, and truthfully, kept me from bawling like a little kid. I was in severe pain, as my right knee had impacted the car and the pavement, then the bike landed on it. My right arm was one big raspberry from forearm to shoulder. It felt like someone took a cheese grater to my arm. Bloody, but still intact.  The toe of my right boot was severely dented, and I ended up with just deep bruising on the outer side of my right foot.  I had my clothing cut off of me, down to my Hanes His Ways, and collared and boarded, before being put on the the gurney.  My helmet had scuffing on two places on the front chin area, one on the forehead, and a nice scrape on the rear.  I did not have a concussion.  So yeah, I’m hard headed.

I left the hospital later that day. My wounds wrapped, my Mother in tears, and my head spinning, trying to grasp exactly how I was going to enjoy my summer. I was walking with a full leg brace and a set of crutches. I guessed that I wasn't going to be hittin' the clubs and riding to bike nights any time soon. The big shame was, I had just got my old vintage bike finally running the way it was meant to run. Loud and proud I took those corners on that big steel monster. Dragging your foot pegs through corners can be exciting. Dragging pegs have a whole new meaning when you do it because of someone Else's negligence.

The nurses asked me how I hit a car at 45 mph and didn't break a single bone..... I told them I was Wolverine.  Must have been the morphine drip.  I guess I’m just*really lucky. I personally thanked my helmet, gloves and boots at a later time. But for now, I'll just dwell on the fact that I'm a really lucky person. Next summer will be here soon enough. (Written Winter, 2010)

Thanks for sticking around.

Truth And No Dare

I have received another award!  

My dear friend Linda, from Shoes For An Imaginary Life, has passed this award to me.  I get to offer up more truthiness, and lay down 7 facts about me. I personally think that there is a conspiracy, and people out there are trying to figure out who I really am.  Because, well, EVERYONE wants to know who I am.  Right?  Damn you, Linda, another round of truth or dare without*the dare part!  But at least we’ll always have that one game of spin the bottle back in middle school, right?  Now that I think about it, Linda did kind of double dog dare me to write this post.  So here goes....

Freaky Factoids:

I’m the tallest person in my family.  By a few inches taller.  I’m also the only left hander.  My sister (my only sibling) and I are both light hair, light eyed, and our parents are dark haired, dark eyed.  We suspect the mailman.....

I have was never suspended in school.  Detentions, ruler across the knuckles, paddled, but never suspended.  I went just up to the line, but never crossed it.  Well, never got caught is more accurate.  :-)

My view on all things romantic is really skewed.  It always has been.  No surprise that I’m disappointed in that portion of my life.  Often.  Hope springs eternal.(See?  I’m totally screwed.) It was, at one point, an occupational hazard, and to some measure, still is.

Something I’ve learned from my parents, and carry with me to this day:  Don’t ask the question, if you don’t want the answer.  Please, local musician types, don’t ask me what I thought of your set.  The answer will likely not be favorable.

Some of my favorite cities:  Phoenix, Arizona.  The way the sand and green grass and mountains all play together is simply something marvelous to behold.  Make sure you get a window seat, and be awake for your approach to the airport.  Magnificent!

Chicago, Illinois.  Diversity, small town feel to some of the suburban areas, yet this expansive downtown, the miracle mile, and the museums.  Oh yeah.  Giordanos Deep Dish Pizza, FTW!

The Florida Keys.  Peaceful evenings sitting at end of the keys watching the sun set, sipping on umbrella drinks.  If I had been a pirate, I wouldn’t have minded being marooned there one bit.

New York City.  I could live there.  Maybe I do, who knows?  :-)  It is without question the greatest city in the nation.  It has everything you could ever dream.  As an urban explorer, NYC excites me.  So much to see and do, and it’s ever changing, evolving, and just down right fun.  I also like driving in NYC.  Because it’s as close to NASCAR as I’ll ever get.

I am a motorcycle enthusiast.  I’m not a biker. Bikers have leather vests, leather skin and poor manners.  I’m also not a poseur.  I didn’t buy a bike for the instant cool factor.  I didn’t buy 800 dollars worth of tshirts and jackets. I bought a bike because they can be beautiful in their simplicity.  They are fun to tinker with, modify, customize and create.  So, I guess I’m more of a gearhead than anything else.  I change my own oil, and always wear a helmet.  (more on why later this year.)

I like my job.  More accurately, I have truly enjoyed a large majority of my career.  I have few regrets in that area. This month, however, happens to be our busiest month of the year.

And The Award Goes To.....

So this chicka Hannah, dropped an award on me, because she's got a big crush on me an stalks my page like I'm made out of chocolate filling. I graciously accept my award, and pass on the required information below... THANK YOU HANNAH!!

To accept the award, I am required to write seven things about myself, eh?  Well this will be difficult, as I am in witness protection, and cannot divulge too much personal information. Here goes!!

1:  I believe in reincarnation.  I have to, I’ve screwed this life up pretty bad, so I’m hoping for a do-over.  No really, I’ve been here before.  Why else would I have no patience for stupid?

2:  I believe we are all created in God’s image.  Some of you were created when God was hungover.

3:  As a dear friend recently revealed, yes, I was in marching band in high school. And orchestra. And jazz band. And symphonic band. And a rock band. And a country band.  Call me a band fag, and I’ll do pentatonic triplets ON YOUR FACE.

4:  I am pro capital punishment.  I am also pro corporal punishment.  I think the latter helps prevent the former.

5:  If I ever went to Sturgis or Daytona Bike Week, I would actually ride my motorcycle there, not put it on a trailer and haul it.  Because my motorcycle already has EFFING WHEELS on it, and that’s why it also has a seat.  SO YOU CAN RIDE IT.

6:  I wear my hair cut short.  Real short.  Razor cut short. In the shower.

7:  I like long walks on the beach, Fuzzy Navels, snuggling under a blanket by the fire, and my favorite movie is Death Proof.

Benefits in Availing Computer Technical Support

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These days, people are busy with their work. And we all know that the computer is mainly used by workers especially those who work in online business. So whenever we encounter problems and errors in our computer, we usually rush it to a computer repair shop. But nowadays, computer tech support is one of the most reliable services that will solve your PC and problems and errors almost immediately.



Availing our computer technical support will brought many benefits to you. You can get your computer problems solved, by simply telling all the problems of your computer through online or phone call. Our technicians will make a diagnosis and will resolve the problem immediately. It really doesn’t matter how far you are. All that matter is you have your internet connection or telephone to make a contact with us.



Another good thing about computer support is you can easily reach us unlike most computer repair shops in your place that keeps you waiting for a few days in order to use your PC again. And also, there is no doubt that the online computer tech support services are cheaper that having a technicians to visit your place.



Our technicians providing computer tech support are specialist in the field. You can really get your PC repaired by expert. Moreover, you can also consult them anytime if you have problem related to computers and technology. Our aims are to bring you good services and lower the time taken to repair your computer problems.

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All that lies before me is destruction.  There’s nothing left but rubble, twisted metal that used to be cars and boats and buses.  Everywhere I look I see empty windows, broken and shattered panes of glass.  Someone was looking through that window just a few days before.  I cannot find our home, nor can I find my parents.  My auntie and uncle did not make it out of the house, they were too slow, and just too old.

I yell out for my Mother, but she does not answer.  My throat is dry, and sore from crying and screaming for her.  It’s cold, and I forgot my jacket.  I pick up a torn one from the ground.  It is saltx and wet, but I feel better with it on.  I want to find Mother and Father.  All I see is wood and sticks and stuff lying everywhere.  There are no people here.

I’ve walked all day it seems.  I saw the sign from the front of my school.  It was under a car and a big boat.  There were some school papers on the ground.  I saw one with one of my classmates’ name on it.  A drawing of our school, with the sun above it.  We were all holding hands and smiling.  I liked that picture.  But he is not here now.  I wish I could find him.  I wish I could find my Mother, too.

It’s almost night time.  I’m very tired and hungry.  There is food `ll over the place, but it’s dirty, and I don’t want to eat it.  I stole a bottle of water out of a crashed car.  I was so thirsty, I couldn’t wait for Mother or Father to bring me some water.  I’m sure they’ll find me.  I hope they find me soon, it’s getting dark, and I don’t know where to go.  It’s getting cold and windy, too.

There is a fire over there.  I see people!  Perhaps it’s Mother and Father!  Oh I hope it’s them, I’m scared out in the dark by myself.  Father never lets me play outside after dark.  “When I’m older,” he says.  The people let me sit by the fire.  They are cold and wet, too.  They do not know my parents, and have not seen them.  They will let me stay with them, though.  A nice lady with a bloody shirt hands me her blanket.  She wraps me up in it.  She called me by a different name.  She is crying as she holds me to warm me. Mother and Father will come soon for sure. I just know it.

Facebook to challenge Groupon with their own social deals service

All are in good social these days looks like. Inspired Groupon, Amazon does its social and housing assistance, not just Google related to the Fray in its sole discretion, Google offers. But what about Facebook?

Surprise! They are not going to lose coupon craze is social. In reality, the world's largest social network has just announced plans to test coupons Groupon imitate the social services in selected markets, which make use of 500 million users by the competition down for the count.

Facebook service discount deal will be tested in San Francisco, San Diego, Dallas, Atlanta and Austin, Texas. According to Facebook, it will be a part of its program offerings, which already allows companies to offer special users. The new social feature coupons, however, that these arrangements would be shared by users of Facebook for the great benefits to the line.

Why Facebook is rushing to launch their own version of Groupon? This is the final border internet has yet to conquer: the local level.

"Local is the last frontier, the Internet has not conquered, and everyone is going after with a vengeance," said Lou Kerner, an analyst at Wedbush Securities Inc. in New York. "These news are all kinds of evolutionary moment in the efforts of Facebook to be a major player in the room. "

As it turns out, people are very likely to be highly profitable in the long term. Daily treat services as Groupon and social life does $ 873 million last year. In 2015, it is expected that they will generate $ 3.93 billion. No wonder Google was willing to pay $ 6 billion for Groupon ... and no wonder Groupon has refused.

Cyber Snipa Sonar 5.1 Championship Headset brings deathmatchers into the game

Audio of a footstep is reflected along the corridor. Echoes of rocket launchers away to fight, and suddenly silent scream. MP5 sound opponent suddenly clicking on an empty barrel. Situational awareness is important for players to pro ... and especially so is the competitive level. In fact, most of the upper echelon deathmatchers do not even bother with the speakers. Instead, immerse themselves in the game record for more than an expensive pair of headphones that allow them to listen to all audio signals that can help them trace the insidious enemy in ambush.

Hardcore player of this caliber, the biggest problem is to find the kit of the game that takes you completely without skimping on features. They are based on this kind deathmatcher, Cyber ​​Snipa has just introduced their latest Gaming Headset Snipa Sonar 5.1 mm headset.

Just take a look Snipa. This is a headset that is serious. Much of the eponymous Snipa functionality is described, though: this is a 5.1 surround sound, the headset with adjustable boom microphone, and the designation great hardcore screams.

More crying, right? The quality of sound. Each of the courts of Snipa has four individual speakers and a subwoofer. The four speakers for each alignment with the polar directions and is responsible for placement, while the subwoofer let you feel every explosion. A remote control lets you adjust the volume of each channel separately to the total volume.

The price is surprisingly low: only $ 79.95 and a pair of Cyber ​​Snipa Sonar systems, each with a padded case for transport. Unfortunately, this is just a USB headset, so you must be a free port, but otherwise this looks like a stellar deal: a pair of pro-caliber Economic married to a good headset microphone shouting taunts you to death.

ASUS will release a quad-core, 3D Honeycomb tablet in 2011

Asus doesn’t really have a tablet to proud to compete with the likes of iPad, Motorola, Samsung or Xoom, Galaxy Tab  yet, but the work, and when he comes out of Asus CEO Jerry Shen wants everyone to know that will push the envelope in some significantly.

According to Shen, ASUS will launch a 3D Tablet running a quad-core processor, even in 2011. Although Shen has refused to be drawn into a commitment to any particular chip quad-core right now, there is only one to really talk: NVIDIA Tegra next iteration, code named Kal-El (after last Krypton Son), which provide five times the performance on Tegra 2, and the ability to stream videos that are twice the resolution of 1080p.

Given the power of Kal-El, a compressed 3D would not be too difficult to manage: Kal-El certainly has the power to withdraw any item on the screen twice, once for each eye. In fact, says Shen quad-core processor is integrated into their plans and are absolutely essential for smooth video playback 3D at a resolution of 1080p.

Overall, Shen said that Asus plans to become the second player on the shelves in late 2012, hoping to get a market share of five to eight percent by then. It seems to be pretty naive ambitious domination IPAD given full market tablet, but much will depend on the ability of ASUS cons IPAD undercut in price.

ASUS smartphone that says that Android will be captured in 2011, but may be considered Phone Windows 7 in 2012, after the impact with Microsoft besieged Finnish mobile giant Nokia was a little 'clearer.

2011 seems to be a do-or-break ASUS year. Asus is still dead water has built its entire business netbook "back in recent years. They can successfully transition to post-PC age, or left?

Intel’s new SSD is the 6Gbps 510 series

We knew that Intel would release some new SSD, sooner or later, and it turns out today was the day. The company unveiled the DSS series 510 with a 6Gbps fast interface to allow maximum flow in the latest motherboards of today, such as packing Intel chipsets own point of Cougar.

In its press release pointed out that Intel's 510 series is capable of reading data over 500Mbps and wrote more than 315MBps, that significantly higher rates compared to older products. The 510 does not seem as fast as we heard the first reports of the second generation SSD based SandForce (chipsets used as SandForce SF-2200), but Intel is just behind the writing speed. Intel has focused more on reliability and brand recognition with its SSD therefore should not be a problem if you (again), do not offer the fastest products on the market.

new units are built on Intel's 34nm companies, MLC NAND architecture. The big change with the 510 is using a Marvell controller instead of internally developed by Intel.

The transition to 6 Gbps SATA III will eliminate an important bottleneck flow SSD, although users will have a new motherboard to take advantage of it. Still, they are updated (and they need new motherboards, flawless sand bridge) you should see a significant increase in transfer rate compared to older products. older consumers Intel SSD X25-M a ceiling of sequential read / write speeds of 250Mbps and 100Mbps.

510 ship 120GB SSD and 250GB 1000-unit prices of most of the $ 284 and $ 584. Everyone makes a three-year warranty.


Read more from Intel.com and geek.com

Windows 8 Leaks

Microsoft has decided to release the code at the beginning of trusted partners will always be a double edged sword. On the one hand it allows valuable information and identification bug in the software before it is released to consumers and business customers, on the other hand there is the opportunity for less scrupulous among us share it at the beginning with everyone.

Windows 8 is no exception to this rule. Date of pictures leaked to the App Store for Windows, it seems pretty early to build the operating system has now been published.

The version is released for download is an ISO named after 6.1.7850.0.winmain_win8m1.100922-1508_x86fre_client-enterprise_en-us. Refers to download 2.45GB, this is a full version of the operating system, although we suspect that a lot of code will be Windows 7 features 8 is used on top of the base. Screenshots that have appeared in doubt with a data backup system that identifies it as a Windows 7 Enterprise.

This is an operating system leak that is already receiving much attention on network file sharing, but not really something you want to install to work with. It's Windows 7 +, Windows 8 is not expected until early next year, means there is still much to add Microsoft.

PlayStation 4 in Progress

Sony held a conference for its investors and resolve thedifficult question of why these turbulent PSN hack, the costs of research anddevelopment have increased recently.

Masaru Kato, Chief Financial Officer and Executive VicePresident, Sony has answered the question. He said that while the PS3 has a lotof life left in it is already in progress "for the future from thebeginning." He also said that he cannot discuss, which means that you havenot even heard anyone mentioning a successor to the Sony PS3 in the nearfuture.

It confirmed that Sony is already working on the PlayStation4. It's good for their competitor in the console space is planned.

E3 next month, you can expect Nintendo to reveal Wii 2 Thereis also a rumor that Microsoft is planning to steal some thunder from Nintendoalso inform the next Xbox during the show. If this happens, you can expect toappear on both consoles this holiday season next year.

Regardless of what Microsoft is doing, the Wii 2 should bemore powerful than the PS3, that is, from 2013, Sony has sold a device that canbe disarmed. Advantage of Blu-ray is also lost as the Wii 2 is scheduled forBlu-ray.

With PS4 in development+ Sony may opt for its launch windowcarefully. Normally, the company operates in a cycle of 10 years for eachconsole, which means the PS4 should not be expected before 2016. However, Sonymay have its hand forced if both Microsoft and Nintendo launch next year. Ifthey do, the PS3 is very old in 5 years.

Paging Mr. Smith....

Well, my future ex-girlfriend Random Girl has sweetly asked for me to begin a series.  I think she would rather have me IN a hotel, rather than write about them.  But I digress......

Not all touring is wonderful and full of awesomeness.  There are long, long drives through the middle of the night to get to the next show, or ‘gig’ as us professionals refer to the events where we make our pittance. Once, we drove from Boston, Mass to New Orleans.  That’s 32 hours of driving in a van full of gear.  We did it with 3 people, each of us switching off, so the others could get a cat nap before their next shift behind the wheel.  32 hours. In a van.  Smoking Marlboros, guzzling Mountain Dew, and choking down a handful of Sour Cream and Chive Pringles.  Pringles, by the way, are the perfect road snack.  They come in a resealable tube.  Your snack stays fresh and unsmashed.  You can also pour them into your mouth.  I kept them in the front cupholders, next to the Dew.

I'd use a fake name if I dressed like that, too

I’m way off track here.  Back on topic, which is how your mind wanders while driving. That's when the devious little games unfold..... 

We were midway through our New England run, which was about 2 weeks of college and small theater dates.  We were pulling into town to do a show at a little college.  If you’ve traveled to New England, you may have noticed that many people, are, how should I say, ‘uptight’?  They are conservative, and many (outside of Boston) seem to be lacking a great personality.  We piled out of the van, and headed for the lobby of our hotel.  We had been joking around (as usual) on our 5 hour drive, and when we got to the lobby, everyone just drops their bags on the floor and fills the burgundy floral easy chairs and Early American couches.  It’s actually a tactic taught to me by a very wise tour manager.  The front desk will do ANYTHING to get you out of their lobby as fast as they can when you’ve just set up an duffel obstacle course.  I put my metal briefcase up on the counter and wait for the young girl behind the desk to hang up the phone.  It seems she’s setting up her evening plans with her friends.  She smiles, gives me the “just a sec” one finger in the air thing, and I open my briefcase and unload a pile of paperwork onto the counter, looking for my reservation notes. (no, this was before we ALL had fully loaded smart phones.  Back in the stone ages, I guess.)  She hangs up, and asks, “Hello, sir, do you have reservations?”  

“No....Yes, of course we have reservations....”  

She looks confused, like she’s not sure if I meant Yes or No.  “The name?”  

“Smith. The reservation is under Smith.” 

She shuffles through the reservation cards that she’s pulled out on her counter. “Um, Sir, I’m not seeing a reservation here for Smith.” 

 I look over the counter and look over the strewn cards as she shifts them around on the counter.  “Oh, silly, there it is, right there.” 

“Which one?!?”  

“Yes, that’s the one.” 

“Sir, the name on that reservation is White, not Smith.”

“Well yes, it’s spelled White, but it’s pronounced Smith.  It’s a family pronunciation.”  I said completely deadpan. 

She’s stunned. Her mouth agape, but nary a word can be heard.  She blankly stares at me. I stare, with great conviction, right back at her.  “Um, okay, Mr. …. Smith.... 5 rooms, yes?”  

“Yes, we have 5 rooms.” 

 I then proceed to sign the reservation card as Mr. Smith, and hand her the corporate credit card that belongs to the band.  It has the lead singer’s name on it, and now she’s completely lost.  Mr. White signs in as Mr. Smith, and hands her what appears to be a bogus credit card.  The band is getting fidgety.  After all, we’ve been in the lobby a whole 8 minutes. The bass player and the drummer are doing human beat box and rapping Straight Outta Compton over by the snack machines. 

 “Okay, whutever, here’s your room keys.”  

“Thank you very kindly, Miss.” 

And off to our rooms we went.  It’s not uncommon for musicians and people of a certain level of popularity to use a fake name when checking in to hotels and for dinner reservations.  We of course, didn’t have to worry about anyone finding us.  In fact, just the opposite!  We wanted people to find our hotel and bring us beer and pizza after the shows!!  Now of course my last name is White.  We just wanted to mess with her conservative little mind just a wee bit.  The corporate card was perfectly legal, and it’s commonplace for a band member to have one.  We paid, we rocked, we slept til noon, and as we checked out, our Little Miss was back at the counter.  I winked at her. “Goodbye, Mr. Smith, uh, White, um Smith.”  We laughed all the way to the next town.  The sun was shining as we left that little slice of New England behind us.  On to the next spot on the map and a new adventure. 

The Switch Is On

The Glamorous Life

Oh, this writing prompt is too good to pass on.  I could do a SERIES on Hotel stories, trust me.  I’ll throw this little gem out there for you and the rest of the minions over at Studio 30+.  Read it and weep (laughing) peons!

The freaks come out on Halloween, and so do the merry pranksters.

I traveled the country in a van full of musicians and tour members hauling a small trailer full of band gear, t-shirts and duffel bags of partially washed clothes.  We were a band, and we rocked North America nightly together for over 4 years.

We finished a particularly raucous Halloween show.  We have said our parting words, and “Thank You Good Night!”, has been yelled as we walk out the backstage door. With the band loaded(literally) and the gear in the trailer, we head back to one of our regular hotels.  We’ve been to this city numerous times, and we’ve always found this hotel to be a little nicer than some of our regular stops.  It’s a lovely Victorian building with only a few rooms and 4 post beds.  Wonderful menu in the dining room, too.  We treated ourselves to this hotel every tour.

The guitar player informs me that he’s expecting a “special friend”.  A Special Friend is someone a band member actually is looking forward to seeing again.  Typically he knows both her first AND last name, and probably has her phone number. She’s driving 6 hours to meet us, and to ‘travel’ with us for the next couple of dates over the weekend.  It just so happens that I’m acquainted with the girl in question. She’s from my hometown, and I actually introduced the two. For the record, if a girl travels with us, it’s the responsibility of the particular band member to foot the bill, and share HIS personal space, without inconveniencing the others on board.  You may imagine hearing, “Stop it you’re touching me stop touching me you’re on my seat stop touching me.”  You would be right.  We are childish, sophomoric boys gone wild.  Fart jokes hourly. Fireworks were lit off INSIDE the van once.  Okay, more than once.

This little hotel is charmingly behind the times. Real brass keys with the little plastic key fobs.  Folded down linens upon your arrival.  The desk clerk knew all of our names as we would depart for sound check, and as we returned later to change into our shiny show shirts.

I called the front desk, posing as the guitar player. I informed the front desk that I, the guitar player, was switching rooms with my sound engineer, (really me) so he could be next door to the singer, because they were working on new material together. The kind desk clerk made a note of the room change, altered the ledger to reflect who was in which room, and would change the wake up calls accordingly.  I just successfully made it SEEM that the guitar player was residing in MY room, and I in his!  The switch is on.

Now, like I said before, we had a pretty rocking good time at the big show.  Halloween, vodka, beer, cute girls adoring each of us, and dudes telling the band how much they totally were blown away.  We staggered in around 1AM and flopped in our respective rooms.

About 4AM, my room phone rings.  It’s Lily.  Remember, it’s the guitar player’s room, right?  She asks for him, and I tell her that I don’t know what room he’s in, as he switched with someone and it’s really really late.  She’s exhausted from her drive, and ready to collapse.  I tell her to come upstairs, take half the bed, and just crash, and we’ll find your guitar slinging hero in the morning. I had no intention of taking advantage of the situation. Lily agrees that I should let her in, and she’s asleep in ten minutes. All curled up under the covers like a little spikey-haired rock kitten.

Some hours later, my phone rings.  It’s 930AM, and there’s a groggy guitar player on the phone.  He asks if I had heard from Lily, because she was supposed to hook up with him last night, and she never called.  He didn’t even sound worried, he sounded bummed because he didn’t get a happy ending.  I said, “Lily?  Oh yeah, she’s right here.  Wanna talk to her?”  He gulped and yelled, “WHAAAATT!!?!?!”  “Yeah, she’s right here, slept here last night, said she couldn’t find your room.” (I’m howling with laughter inside right now, I just totally hosed this guy! Fist pumping my supreme practical joke skills)  “You can’t be serious...”  “Yeah, she’s right here.  I’ll send her down.  Hey...  Happy Halloween, dude.”  He pauses, realizing he had just been owned. “Fuck you, man.”

I sent my friend Lily down the hall, about 4 doors.  I heard the door slam.  I think he started speaking to me about 5 days later.  Trick or treat?  I’ll take trick.

Bow to the master, little guitar playing man.  Bow. To. The. Master.

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